Self REJECTION.

Thank you!

Totally forgot about Fear or Anxiety while putting out my introduction. Your words of encouragement has brought me back to write more. I hope this raw form, in which I come to you, actually resonates with you.

Just like every other day, fear crept in again, questions arose in my head. ‘‘What if I abandon it?’’, ‘‘What if I get tired?’’, ‘‘What if I can’t face criticism?’’., but then again who said it will be easy?, I want to write and I have been led to, that is good enough reason to keep going.

Self rejection is something I have had to deal with for the longest time, always questioning my worth, always questioning the opportunities that came my way, wondering why Mr A was being good to me, wondering why Mrs B wanted to help me. It never made sense that they could see what I couldn’t see, because all I could see was a girl just living with no direction, intention or purpose. I didn’t bother to want more, ask for more or even go all out for anything at all.

I got a job sometime ago, I wasn’t expecting it, even though I prayed for it, I wasn’t still expecting the job to come, because it didn’t make sense that God would even want to help me. I wasn’t even studying the bible this period, I was swimming in sin as well. So when the job came, I lived in Fear, not fear of not knowing the job, the Fear was all about ‘What if they see what I was seeing in myself at some point, then sack me?’. I just wanted to exist, I wanted to be hidden, not seen.

Self rejection comes with a lot: Sin, Fear, Confusion, Lack, Doubt, Shame, Anxiety, Loneliness etc. The guilt I felt after each sin kept me away the more but He said in His word ‘But I, yes I, am the one who takes care of your sins-that’s what I do. I don’t keep a list of your sins’ Isaiah 43:25 MSG. I can’t say I know or remember when exactly the transformation started, but I saw myself wanting more, I was no longer comfortable with the bare minimum. I started putting in effort, and took different courses as well, very random courses, I just wanted to be better.

It got better, I started confessing my emotions to God, it didn’t make sense when I started. I felt God wouldn’t want to hear that kind of thing, but then He said in His words that He knows the amount of hair strands on my head!, so I started confessing my emotions, my sins, my fears, my worries etc. I came to a place of understanding, that I have so much to offer, there is so much more to me. Every Year I live on earth will birth something New and Different by His will, so why am I self sabotaging?.

Just maybe you are clueless, confused or whatever it might be, regardless of how grown you are. I really need you to believe in you, there is so much you have to birth, I really wish I have the right words to explain this to you, but please bet on yourself.

The only thing I can think of right now is a Flower and it’s lifecycle, gradually I will bloom. Just like a Flower, I am growing through each Lifecycle, with the intention not to ‘die’ until the end of the cycle.

I hope you embrace yourself more, I hope you go for everything you deserve, I hope you speak up for yourself in different rooms, most of all - I hope you see the Masterpiece in you before anyone else.

“Are you tired? worn out? burned out on religion? come to me. Get away with me and you will recover your life. I will show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me, watch how i do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you will learn to live freely and light” Matt 11:28 MSG

---